Unrealistic Expectations?
Big Bro #2 and I were talking on Shabbos when he mentioned a conversation that took place in shul. "During davening? I never talk in shul," I said, perhaps expressing disbelief in the fact that my very own big bro would have the audacity to talk in shul.
"Well, if you were there every day, you would be talking, too," he replied. This exchange reminded me of a conversation I'd had with some friends a while back, regarding expectations when it comes to husbands.
While they thought missing minyan once in a while was inexcusable, I wanted to agree with them whole-heartedly, but I found it difficult. They even backed it up with anecdotal evidence of guys who will do all but put their lives on the line to attend a minyan.
Granted, davening with a minyan is not my mitzvah. So perhaps it could be easy to demand that of someone else.
"It's
their mitzvah, they better be darn sure to make their way to shul every day, three times a day!" One friend said. I repeat. I wanted to agree with her.
But I thought about it honestly. If it were
my mitzvah, would I be there on time every day knowing that I have to be at work at 9? Would I jump out of my office on a rainy day to run into another building for a minyan in Manhattan? Or would I just daven b'yechidus?
If I were there three times a day every day since age 13, would I treat it with the same reverence I do the few times I go to shul annually? Can I guarantee that I wouldn't consider shul a drudgery at a certain point? Nobody knows for sure.
If that's the case, do I have a right to demand more from a potential spouse?
Pesach Prices
As many of you know, Assemblyman Dov Hikind has been advocating
price regulation this Pesach, due to the economic state.
Every year, we whine about the price increases that come with Pesach; many of which never seem to go away. I remember writing a piece inquiring about the inflated meat prices.
People suggest that the butchers sell Kosher L'Pesach meats in advance, not for the Martha Stewart-types whose kitchens are pesachdik two days after Purim, but to enhance their own bottom lines.
This year, finally, things are different. We are no longer tolerating price gauging.
Pesach is expensive regardless. Even with stable prices, Pesach food is an expense. Between Matzah and wine, depending on the size of your family, you've already been set back a significant amount of money.
I am not G-d forbid implying that this is a burden. Can you think of a better way to spend the money that G-d has given you than on a mitzvah?
I'll take what I can get, and am satisfied with the current war on price gauging -- that is, if it successful. Yet, I would like to know what took so long for people to step up to the plate, and say "no more"?!
Clearly, the fact that our economy is in shambles is what motivated people to finally take a stand.
But why not until now? !
Purim 2009
This year, my brother said he might be going to a different shul to hear megillah. One that is considered modern orthodox, rather than the, well, they call-themselves-yeshivish one my parents usually go to.
I was enthusiastic about joining him, even though we weren't sitting together.
I walked into the women's section, and thought, "Great. I can handle this." I didn't know anyone there, but I imagined they'd be pretty friendly. Three teenagers approached me and asked if the seats next to me were taken. They in fact weren't. The girls requested that I, and the woman seated next to me, moved down one. "Thank you," they replied. "Sure," I said, thinking they'd initiate conversation.
"Ohhmiiiiigoooooooodddddd!!!!!!!" One immediately shrieked. Her friend was directly behind her, and they all suddenly had, "like, the funniest, like, story," to tell.
These girls were dressed pretty much how I would dress. Casually. Denim skirt. Ugg boots. Although I wore a long black skirt, and my "Ugg"s are $50 Skechers, I knew people weren't looking me up and down, analyzing my clothing to pieces. I was dressed pretty much on their caliber.
Megillah finally started, and they were quiet. Till the middle of Perek Alef. "Omigod, like, how much do we have left?" one said, between smacks of gum. "Where are we up to?" Another barely whispered. "Look - he's so cute!" One began. Another was TXTing. This was a constant conversation - as if they were in a pizza shop.
I thought back to a teacher in high school who told us she went to hear Megillas Esther 4 times because she wasn't yotzei. Sorry, I'm not on her madrega.
My mind raced. I fought to keep up; concentrating on the meaning of the words was out of the question. What was really going through my mind was, "did I catch that word?" and "how can I tell these girls off without having them call me a bitch the minute I turn around?"
Besides, I couldn't talk during megillah anyway.
That was Purim night.
Rewind a year. I walked into my parents shul, and remembered I was supposed to have dressed up. No, not in costume.
Fancy I mean. What I wore all day would not suffice for this crowd.
I wasn't in a stained denim skirt or anything. I was casual. Probably the same black skirt, knit sweater.
And I was completely ignored - well, other than the up-down-and-away looks I received upon entry. You couldn't
pay those girls to be seen with me.
I had completely forgotten that in that shul, young women must always have their hair perfectly styled. Blown dry to perfection; not a strand out of place. A ponytail? Not if you're over the age of 8. Fresh make-up must also be applied before attending megillah. (Not the case in the MO shul)
So, I begin to wonder: Are my only options people who dress like me, but talk during megillah, or people who dress to kill, and judge me by my clothes, but remain silent?
Like Big Bro #2 always says, "Death of the in-betweeners," right?
(I already discussed the issue of kids in another post, so I didn't bother here. That'd be repetitive.)
All A Guy Ever Wants Is Sex, According to Charedim
Charedim try to "dance at all parties" by making sex completely taboo, yet fearing it looms around every corner.
This past week's Chinuch Roundtable in the Yated made me kind of upset.
The question came from a parent who has two teenaged daughters and an 8-year-old son. They live near a frum drug rehab center. The residents there are in their 20s, have gone off the derech, many come from rabbinical households or yichus, and are"hungry for a home. "
She asks whether she should worry about the influence that these kids will have on her children.
"I would like to know your feelings regarding exposing children to these types of boys and their sometimes off-color comments." In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?
In my opinion, she answered her own question when she ended her letter with the following, in parenthesis for some odd reason, "In the last few years, some of these boys have become Shomer Shabbos. One went to Eretz Yisrael and one even married a frum girl."
The rabbis on the panel were faced with a tough question. Many of them wrote that they asked their own rabbonim to get their thoughts on the matter.
What surprised me was the number of rabbis who chose to focus on the
males in their 20s in the presence of teenaged girls. It's not about the drugs. It's not about the off-color comments. It's not about the 8-year-old getting funny ideas in his head.
No. It's about the chance that one of these guys would hit on the teenagers.
Notice that the writer didn't mention anything of that nature that happening over the past few years. I think these guys know that if they were to do anything inappropriate, they wouldn't be allowed back there. Thus, had they attempted to hit on the daughters, the writer would no longer have this question.
Clearly, these young men value these meals, and are grateful to be invited to a warm, welcoming frum home, and they are willing do what it takes to maintain a good rapport with this family.
I have a lot of respect for this family for giving these guys something that they perhaps lacked throughout their teen years. A warm, welcoming home. We don't know for sure, but I'd venture to say that this family had a share in the other young men's successes.
The rabbis go so far as to say even if these guys were bachurim in a yeshiva, they don't belong in a home with teenaged daughters.
This attitude only allows me to conclude one thing. These rabbonim seem to think that every man is a horny animal and every woman is a sex object.
I have a brother 3 1/2 years my senior. Does that mean he should never have any friends over? Do these rabbis think that we'll be playing footsie under the table since he's a guy and I'm a girl?! Is every guy that horny?
A healthy ta'avas nashim is necessary for the functioning of any male in society.
In other words, yes, men want to have sex. That is how Hashem created them.
Nonetheless, this doesn't mean that every guy is a sack of raging hormones, and every girl is a sex object. There is more to both sexes than, well, sex.
One rav wrote, "Even if these bochurim were the best bochurim in Lakewood, they should
never be invited to a home that has older daughters." (If "older" is 19+ and they are seeking a learning guy -- well, G-d forbid a shidduch come out of this and prevent the two of them from experiencing the sometimes painful shidduch system! That would be just tragic, wouldn't it -- Sorry, I digressed. Couldn't help it.)
Clearly, the other very important issue at hand, which I believe is what the letter-writer was really asking, is whether these guys who "fell into the wrong crowd" and throw in an off-color comment once in a while, put the children at risk. That is for another day, perhaps.
Arranged Marriage TV Show
Read about it hereI don't get it. Why don't they just follow around a few Chassidim?
(CBS apparently likes talking about their marriages anyway...)
Reverse Proposals?
On Z100 this morning, they were discussing the idea of a woman proposing to a man.
Elvis was begging his colleagues, and many listeners, to open their minds to the new way of doing things.
Someone mentioned that this was a way of bringing equality between the sexes, and the more traditional method of a man proposing to a woman has become outdated.
Whhhaaaaat?
In the book
He's Just Not That Into You, the authors note that
according to their study, 100% of relationships initiated by the woman failed. Now, they're not saying that after the couple has been dating a year, the woman proposed, and therefore the relationship failed.
Also, judging by the casual style the book was written, I wouldn't imagine their "studies" were purely scientific.
In many ways, salaries for one, I'm all for equality. Wasn't there an equal rights amendment that was unsuccessful? For good reason. I do not want men in my restrooms or fitting rooms, thank you very much.
I find that if a woman has to propose to a man, she loses the upper-hand in the relationship. Not like she had much of it to begin with.
The nature of these relationships is that the guy pursues the girl; generally not the other way around.
Would any of the women in the audience consider proposing?
How would the men in the audience react to that?
Dating From Home
"Oh, so, y'know who's engaged?" My mother asked.
I just looked at her. "Some 19-year-old pisher," I thought to myself.
"So-and-so's daughter. And you know what? She was never picked up from her own home. She was either picked up from the shadchan's house, or arranged to be picked up from somewhere else." (And, yes, it was her first guy. And she was 18, not 19, silly me.)
"That's ridiculous," I said matter-of-factly.
If it were me picking up the girl, my initial reaction would be, "What is she hiding? What doesn't she want me to see? Why is she so immature?"
"Yeah, but this girl didn't want anyone to know she was dating. She was afraid her neighbors would see," my mother explained.
"I don't know, if you're old enough to date, you're old enough to be seen being picked up for a date."
"Okay, that's your opinion," my ever-so-diplomatic mother replied.
I think I can honestly say that one of my neighbors keeps better track of my dates than I do.
He'll be outside when the guy opens my car door for me (if he has that courtesy) and say something like, "Oh, let me get my garbage cans out of the way..." and take a good look at the dude.
When I went out with a guy with a red car three times, there were questions about "Michelle and the guy with the red car."
When I was standing on a corner (on our first and last date with one another) with my date after a minor fender-bender in the neighborhood, someone assumed I was getting engaged because I was outside with a boy in my neighborhood. "What you saw yesterday is over," I informed this individual, when I met him on the street again the next day. "That's too bad, my son and I thought you were getting engaged." (In this case, I honestly don't think he realized what he said. At his daughter's vort, his wife gave me an actual sincere 'IY"H by you,' so I can't really give this guy a terribly hard time.)
When you are picked up on a date, yes, there is a possibility that you will be seen. I understand that some people's neighbors aren't mature enough to handle seeing their neighbors on a date.
Nevertheless, I find this new "not dating from home" trend idiotic.
Dating in your own neighborhood is another story for another day.
Perhaps a girl who is not mature enough to tolerate being seen being picked up for a date is not mature enough to be dating, period.
